Once a mountain lion ate a whole bull. It was so
happy that it roared and roared until a hunter came
and shot it. The moral of the story: If you're full
of bull, keep yer mouth shut.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening
to somebody else.

Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now
if nobody is around, we use our fingers.

I never lack material for my humor column when
Congress is in session.

Live so that you wouldn't mind selling your pet parrot
to the town gossip.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government
and report the facts.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

No debt ever comes due at a good time, yet borrowing is
the only thing that's handy all the time.

One way to solve the traffic problem would be to keep
all the cars that aren't paid for off the streets.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of
money to even be defeated.

The Income Tax has made more Liars out of the
American people than Golf has.

The Venus de Milo is a good example of what happens to somebody who won't stop biting her fingernails.

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound
will carry twice as far.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over
if you just sit there.

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and
the thing would fall flat in a week.

Everybody is ignorant, only at different subjects.

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