Funny Stuff!

It's How You Look At It

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he keeps staring at a drunken lady swilling her drink as she sits alone nearby. Finally, the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," the husband sighs, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My word!" remarked the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Little Johnny

A new teacher, trying to make use of her psychology courses, started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" the teacher asked. "No, ma'am," responded Little Johnny, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "Why are you doing that?" asked Little Johnny. "Are you giving up?"

Things I Owe My Mother

My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't exaggerate."

My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your feet, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
 

Secret To A Long And Happy Marriage

At a 50th wedding anniversary party, Father O'Malley asked Patrick to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman for so long.

"Well," said Patrick, "I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

"Trips? To where? Father O'Malley asked.

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Dublin," Patrick said.

"What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Patrick," Father O'Malley said. "Please tell the audience what you plan to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

"Well," answered Patrick, "I'm going back to Ireland to get her."
 

Best Headlines Of 2006

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 

Definitions

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
 

Why English Is Our First - And Second - Language

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I read it once and will read it again.

I learned much from this learned treatise.

I was content to note the content of the message.

Retirement (FAQs)

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

A: There is too much time to get everything done.

Q: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

A: Tied shoes.

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?

A: Six Saturdays and a Sunday.

Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Actual Items From Church Bulletins

·  The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

·  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

·  Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

·  Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

·  This evening there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

·  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

·  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

·  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
 

Marriage Defined

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is an institution where two people come together to jointly solve the problems they never had before they got married.

Comedians On Marriage

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." (Rita Rudner)

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met." (Rodney Dangerfield)

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." (Milton Berle)

"Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats." (Woody Allen)

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." (Henny Youngman)

It's All About Communication

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the speaker talk about how essential it is that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. Addressing Tom, the speaker asked, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

*******

In response to those elderly aunts who come up to you at weddings, elbow you in the ribs and say, "You're next," the following tact should be taken. The next time you see them at a funeral, saddle up to them, give them a gently poke in the ribs and say, "You're next."

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and find themselves being interviewed by St. Peter. One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a surgeon and saved the lives of many children." St. Peter says, "You may enter." The second doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist and helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invites him in. Then the HMO manager says, "I helped insurance companies keep health costs down." St. Peter says, "You may come in, too." But as the HMO manager walks by, St. Peter adds, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

You Know You Are A Redneck When ...

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "No, but I got the license number."

A state trooper pulled over a pickup and then asked the redneck driver, "Got any ID?" He replied, "'Bout whut?"

***********

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Websites to check out!

A little boogie-woogie in your life! http://www.members.shaw.ca/grandmafaiths2/boogie.htm

Like to throw snowballs? http://www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html   

Like to paint?      www.jacksonpollock.org

Identify states:   http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf

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